Against Myself
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On a bad day, I am a danger to myself. I am self-calamitous. I get in my own way. I am an internal obstacle — a self-impediment. On a bad day, I am my own archrival and nemesis. My decisions and actions — or lack thereof — undermine my best efforts and intentions. I sink into each failure like quicksand. I suffocate my creative children in the womb of my mind. I fill my own thoughts with doubts that make me pause. I am a self-deterrent. I ask myself to turn away from what I want.
I have my ways — sinister and subtle. I procrastinate. I distract. I sleep-deprive. I fill my mental artillery with weapons of mass destruction. There are critic grenades and dream-seeking missiles. There is the A-bomb — A for apathy. There are the semi-automatic assault rifles pre-loaded with bullet points of doubt. And there is an army of insecurity at the ready — just waiting to begin the onslaught.
On a bad day, I am not safe. I cannot be trusted to act in my own best interest. On a bad day I act as though I don’t or can’t want good things for myself. I thwart my own success. I hide landmines along the route I plan to take. I collect the casualties, each a spectre of my true self.
Where is the root of this inner anarchy? Planted in fear and watered with large droplets of doubt. Why do I wage such a cold war against myself? Panic attacked first.
On a good day, I serve as my own protection and fight against self-destruction. Rebels for hope defend my dreams and negotiate for inner peace. They shelter my creativity. They resolve my inner conflict with ambitious acts of diplomacy.
On a good day, I live unopposed to myself. I am my own biggest fan instead of my most unforgiving critic. I accept my successes and don’t dwell on my failures. I walk the streets of my imagination without fear of being mugged by doubt — without the threat of having my creative currency stolen from me by me.
On a good day, I live at peace with myself — full of dreams rather than regrets for who and what I could be. I encourage my potential. I do not betray myself. On a good day, I can feel the love — self-love included. On a good day, I am hopeful and satisfied. On a good day, I am enough.
This piece originally appeared on Write Away.
