Another Restless Night

How insomnia feels

{Photo by Ronny Coste on Unsplash}

I’d know that feeling anywhere. It is the feeling of knowing it is going to be another restless night. It is the anticipation of tomorrow’s fatigue and desperate desire to take a nap. It is the feeling of watching as the minutes then hours pass. It is the desire for a switch — a simple switch — that goes from awake to asleep like a light switch goes from on to off.

I’d know that feeling anywhere. It is the feeling of dread as the potential sum of sleep continues to decrease. It is the feeling of being bored and full of thoughts all at once. It is the bargaining with myself and God — if I could just fall asleep rightnow.

I’d know that feeling anywhere. It is the wish that I could go back and start the night again. It is the dread as the hour set on my alarm grows uncomfortably close. It is the helplessness — the utter inability to do the simplest thing. Sleep.

I’d know that feeling anywhere. That feeling when the act of trying is the obstacle. When striving to clear my mind ensures all I can think about is how I can’t sleep. That feeling when what is most needed is the absence of effort, but what is most needed is also impossible.

I’d know that feeling anywhere. Insomnia is as familiar to me as a childhood bully. It visits me regularly (and without invitation) like an…