Letting Go and Holding On
Thoughts on optimism after loss
It’s hard to be an optimist after your mother dies suddenly. When something like that happens, the world no longer feels safe. Good things feel like the exception instead of the rule. You go on high alert — wondering what terrible, earth-destabilizing thing is going to happen next.
When I was young, everything seemed possible — and not just everything, but everything good. Life was full of beautiful promise and enticing possibilities.
After my mother died, the horizon became less benevolent and more foreboding. Storms threatened and destroyed. Life (well, death, really) took things from me — foundational things — things I loved — loved ones.
It is hard to separate mourning from fear. It is hard to let go of a skepticism that colors your world with shades of loss. After my mother died, my mind started holding on to tragedy. It affected my expectations and imagination.
My brain is constantly considering worst-case scenarios. My thoughts work overtime anticipating the next horrible thing so that I won’t be caught off guard again. I see causes for concern around every corner. I am ever holding my breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop and braced for a sucker punch I’m certain must be coming.
